A guest post from Donna VanderGriend

Donna weighed in on our post about old people being gross. See here or yesterday's post for information about Donna's book.

"Look at your hands, Grandma. . . that's gross, kindergartner Josiah says as we play the Memory Game at the kitchen table. Sure enough, I think as I obey him and look. The veins on the backsides are like blob-trails of grey-blue finger paints marking out topographical mountain ranges.

I remember looking through little girl eyes at my own mother's hands and seeing a strange beauty in the protrusions, as if they were a sure sign of adulthood, that place where I longed to be . . . all grown up and part of a can-do world. . . hands that could drive a car, wear a wedding ring, deftly roll out a pie crust, burp a baby, and write in script. Josiah's comment threw me off guard. . . so different from my own at his age. Then I remembered it was my mother's hands I was looking at; he was looking at his grandmother's, with yet another generation of aging to give emphasis to wrinkles and veins and skin moles. . . all grown up, with thirty or more years to spare. Thirty years of maturity. Thirty years for dreaming up answers.

"But, Josiah," I answer. "Watch the magic." With that I put my hand straight up in the air with the backside facing him, my elbow on the table. The blood obeys gravity, slides down my arm, leaving my hands smooth as the Great Plains.

"Wow!" exclaims my grandson. "I want to do that." He drops an elbow on the table, situates his own hand at eye level, and watches. Nothing happens to change his already smooth, un-mottled skin.

"Do it again, Grandma," he requests, as if he was missing part of the procedure. He pays undivided attention to the blood draining and tries again to repeat the magic. Nothing.

My hands lie in rest again on the table, the mountain veins obvious once again. Josiah looks puzzled, then awed. I watch his little boy paradigm shift: his grandmother's hands are no longer gross; they are full of ancient mystery.

A book you'll savor - Terry

As long as we’re talking about products, I’d like to put in a plug for a book by my friend and fellow grandmother, Donna VanderGriend. Her book, Out of the Mouths of Grandbabes is described as "bedtime stories for grandparents," but the stories and applications will be cherished by parents and children as well. Her book was reviewed by none other than Eugene and Jan Peterson, who had this to say about the book:

"Donna Vander Griend expertly discerns the scriptural allusions, the artless gospel-echoing remarks in the talk of her nine grandchildren, and then passes them on to us in brief parable-stories. As we read her stories and listen through her attentive grandparent ears, we acquire a mind-set that hears–really hears–the innocence and purity of revealed gospel truth that comes out of the mouths of babies and grand babies. Through the unstudied, spontaneous language of our grandchildren, we can eavesdrop on the whispers of the Holy Spirit in our everyday lives. . . We treasure these stories."

-Eugene & Jan Peterson

I certainly can't top that description. And yes, we will be talking often about grandparenting as this is a topic near and dear to both of our hearts!

Behind the Scenes: The Making of Musical Chairs - Leona

Every award-winning movie has a story behind it. Musical Chairs is no exception. While it may not have won an Oscar, it did win an Honorable Mention award from Mature Media Services, and is being shown around the country in churches and universities.

The idea behind Musical Chairs was conceived in brainstorming sessions involving Richard and me. We wanted to somehow capture our deep conviction that people in the second half of life still have much to give, learn and experience. In our work with midlife and older adults we were finding that people were all too often living out a self-fulfilling prophecy--that retirement is for leisure and hiding. We believe, with all of our hearts, that this generation of midlife and older adults has so much more to give, and that with our talents, gifts and experiences we can still “change the world.”

Our idea was to have some kind of “talking head” video where we interviewed people in the second half of life who agreed with us. But it got more interesting than that!

Enter Jonathan, our son, and independent film producer. He and his friend, Bryan Gough got together and started writing a screenplay. And before you knew it, we were in our church basement turning it into the stage for the production of Musical Chairs! We hired actors off of Craig’s list, recruited every friend we could find, bought endless amounts of Krispie Kremes and pizzas, and shot the film in 3 days.

The end result is a thought-provoking 9-minute film, produced on DVD and available through ChurchHealth. It comes with a study guide that will spark a lively discussion among Boomers and beyond. After all, we need to be thinking about whether “retirement” is just for kicking back, or if it is a time to find significance and purpose through new doors of opportunity.

More doors? Well, you’ll have to watch it to find out what that’s about. Better yet, buy it.

Turning 60, a prequel - Leona, by Terry

Leona sent me an article she wrote in 2003 after reading my piece about my senior discount. Here is an excerpt:

I swayed in disbelief! This pimpled adolescent restaurant cashier was automatically entering the “Senior Discount” amount for my Diet Coke into the register. I hadn’t shown any identifying evidence of my age, and I certainly hadn’t asked for a discount! In fact, I’m 51 years old, have never dyed my strawberry blonde hair, never qualified for a senior discount before, and my professional career is working with seniors. What WAS this young man thinking? If it hadn’t have been for saving 61 cents, I probably would have argued. But, I took the Coke, the change and the receipt (to frame) and left the restaurant. I began wondering if I really was prepared for this journey that I have promoted like a Chamber of Commerce on Aging.

The article went on at length to discuss ideas for facing our older years, many of which you will be seeing in future posts. But the following letter to the editor of the publication is why we are a bit hesitant in writing for all the world to read….

We have been members since the beginning of (organization name omitted). I was aghast to see the article by LB where she makes light of the fact that she took the senior discount at a store before she was eligible. Isn't that dishonest? That would be something the world does but I think Jesus calls us to be honest in the little things as well as the big things. I often return change when the cashier makes a mistake - and they're always surprised but thankful. Different places have a different age limit that they consider eligible for the senior discount. I always ask although I'm 63 and still find a few places that require age 65. Hopefully, your editors won't let something like this get by again!

So there you have it. We’re nervous about every entry. But we promise to be honest and hope that you will give us feedback about what you’d like to see and hear from us. Oh, and Leona can now get some legitimate senior discounts!

On turning 60, sequel #1 - Terry speaks

A few days ago, in keeping with my resolve on turning 60, I visited a local fitness club with a swimming pool and amenities that is well known as a big step above those used by the general public. Being the spoiled consumer that I am, I really wanted the luxury of a true fitness club where I could not only follow through on my promise to exercise my knee, but could also take advantage of the hot tub, steam room, sauna and general overall upscale atmosphere. Having fallen for the “pay for a year now and you get 3 months free” scheme at my past jilted fitness clubs, I know that my resolve often weakens but the charges continue. I was debating several options, all very expensive, planning to use my free 2-week pass and then possibly head on back to the local swimming pool. This didn’t feel like a very promising option, though, as far as keeping my resolve intact.
Imagine my glee, however, when the young, totally fit saleswoman looked at my application and proclaimed, “You’re SIXTY!” Yes, as a matter of fact, I’m two weeks past 60. “Well,” she said, “that changes everything. There’s only one plan worth considering.” Thereupon she showed me the plan that only those 60 and over qualify for which included a low sign-up fee, very low monthly fees, and the ability to opt out with 30 days’ advance notice. I signed up on the spot, and I am that much happier about turning 60! I have realized some benefits since passing the 55 speed bump, but nothing yet compares to a cheap ride at the luxury health and fitness club. Maybe age does have some benefits! My advice therefore, is never be shy about asking. It hadn’t occurred to me that there might be a price cut, but I’m going to keep my eyes open from here on out and grab every benefit coming to me! If you have any advice on finding low cost or free services, let us know in our comment section. We’re keeping a list!

From Generation to Generation - Leona speaks

I have waxed eloquent in my day about how we should be passing on a legacy of faith to the next generations.

Today it hit me. I have been given the gift of being a branch on a family tree full of very strong-willed, passionate, stubborn, long-living, and very faithful women.

While some of those attributes become troublesome from time to time, the reality of having a heritage of strong faith passed to me and to my daughter is overwhelmingly amazing.

A picture of this gift came at my daughter’s baby shower. First of all, what an amazing thing it is to see your own little girl becoming a mom! There she is, blossoming and beaming. A picture of anticipation, naiveté, and panic.

A moment of enlightenment came to me, though, when my mother stood up to read a poem. My mom is 81, the great-grandmother of this soon-to-be-born little baby boy. She read a poem that was given to her by her grandmother when I was born. That means it came from MY great-grandmother, right? My daughter’s great-great grandmother! The baby’s great-great-great grandmother! What a marvelous heritage of faith.

Here’s the poem, written in rather odd English, but beautiful. Made even more beautiful read by my own mom to her granddaughter.

Prayer of a Mother-to-Be
By Mattie C. Leatherwood

Dear God, I walk along a shining road
Of happiness. Soon it will be mine to wear
The crown of motherhood. Help me, I pray, to seek
That preparation of mind and heart thou’dst have me make
For this experience from thy hand.

O let me work in partnership with thee,
Dear God, thy Spirit fill, that every
Thought may be
Clean and pure. Give, I pray, the strength I need
To meet each new demand. Let no craven
Fear becloud my way,
Or harm my child to be.

Grant, God, that as this tiny body grows
It may perfect be and strong—this young mind
Sound and clear.
Breathe into my child’s new soul,
I pray, a warm and free responsiveness
Unto thy love.

And when my baby comes—
When I hold him in my arms and press
Him to my heart,
O temper thou my ecstasy with conscious thought
Of my responsibility.
Keep me mindful of my trust, dear God,
To rear my child for thee.
Amen!

A baby is born - Terry

Yesterday was the birth day of my grandchild. She is the second granddaughter to bless our family and the fourth grandchild. Welcome to the world, Luella June!

Someone said, "A grandchild fills a space in your heart that you never knew was empty."

My husband and I have both been surprised by the deep and immediate love we have felt for each of our grandchildren. And we are continually surprised by their ability to brighten our day and bring joy and laughter in unexpected ways. Their faces light up with eagerness when they see us and they go looking for us in empty rooms when one of us is missing.

Andy Rooney said “I’ve learned that when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his (her!) fist, that you’re hooked for life.”

Yes, indeed, Luella, we’re hooked again!

The Human Face of Progress - Terry

It's not often you read about someone turning down a million dollars. This is a story we have been following for some time now. I drive right past this house on my way to many places, so I think of this woman and her battle to stay in her house, against all odds, including a new Trader Joe’s and a new fitness club. Edith Macefield died Sunday and did, in fact, get to “die at home, in the same house, on the same couch, where her mother had died,” according to her friend. Check out the story at the Seattle Times. Guilt upon my head for my excitement at having a new Trader Joe's within a mile of my home! (Alan Berner, The Seattle Times, took the photo.)

Chin Hairs - Terry speaks

Leona's post about old people being looked on as gross brought up my chin hairs blog. I'm sorry. I just couldn't help myself.

One thing that got me thinking about writing a blog was my new experience with chin hairs. Yes, you read that right. I wanted to blog about chin hairs. I experienced an “aha” moment the other day as I was absently stroking my chin and came across a hair at least an inch long and attached to my chin. I immediately shrank back in horror and yanked it out as quickly as I could. But then I began to realize that if I could produce a chin hair with such alarming speed, unnoticed, perhaps the chin hairs I see on other people have appeared just as suddenly.

I’ve often wondered how a person can look in the mirror and spot a huge chin hair and not immediately yank it out. I’m now awakening to the reality that these hairs are stealth bombers, arriving undetected, embarrassing us without any prior warning. I’ve determined that said chin hairs must grow along the face, hidden from view and then pop out full grown. This would account for a person going out in public, not knowing there was a chin hair attack.

In talking to my friends, (incidentally all seemed to have more knowledge about chin hairs than I did) I find that sometimes the problem has to do with eyesight. One friend told the story of visiting her elderly aunt and wondering if she should mention the growing forest of chin hairs. She waited and finally the aunt asked her to pull them for her, as she knew they were there but couldn’t see to get rid of them.

I was amazed to find 124,000 hits when I searched Google using the words “chin hairs.” It appears I am not alone in wanting to write about this facial invasion. One line that caught my eye was “chin hairs are notoriously hard to kill….”

We thought we were past embarrassing facial outbreaks, but alas, chin hairs have arrived.

Old People Are Gross - Leona speaks

In thinking about the Grace and Gravity blog, I came across this article I wrote several years ago. For obvious reasons, I never took it out of my “rantings and ravings” file. But, today I read it and believed all over again that I have a calling!

“Old people are gross.” That was the response of one medical resident who admitted to never taking a class in geriatrics during his medical training. (TIME, 11/11/02) He, like so many other physicians in training, was clearly more interested in the health of youth. Maybe it’s because younger bodies respond to heroic interventions. They get well – or at least better. They don’t languish through chronic and complicated diseases. They don’t die on your watch. They don’t take up hours and hours of time trying to explain the many different conditions and symptoms that seem to attack layer upon layer.

Old people are complicated. Their medical care is messy. They take time. They cost too much money. So, medical schools either don’t have geriatric programs, or they try them for a few years, and then dismantle the programs because of lack of interest. Gerontology programs in universities are much the same. I was involved in a Gerontology certificate program for 6 years. We started out with enthusiasm and registrations. It eventually died – quietly. Didn’t affect too many people. Just died. It was easier for it not to be around.

I’ve given my life to serving older people. I’ve done it because I cared very deeply about old people. I loved them. They were full of great stories. They needed me because I honored them and valued them. I built great programs for them. I went to the wall. So now we are trying to talk to the church about old people. Sure they respond with a fake positive. Yes, we need to have something for our older people. But really, churches think old people are gross. Maybe we all think old people are gross. We look in the mirror and we hate the wrinkles, the indications of years going by. We hate it that we can’t do some of the physical things that we used to do. We hate growing old. So, we make jokes. We get depressed. We curse. We do everything but look at why it is that God allows old age.

We just got back from another poorly attended speaking engagement. We worked hard. We had highly technical information. We were ready to educate. But 18 faces looked at us instead of the 100 that should have been there. They really wanted to talk about activities and ways to make oldness seem more youthful.

So it isn’t a pretty picture, is it? Old people are gross. Each and every one of us is getting old. We must be getting gross. Let’s deny it and ignore it and it will go away. Let’s dye our hair. Let’s use botox. Let’s just not talk about it. And certainly this gross vulgar topic shouldn’t get mixed up with our messages of church growth, seeker sensitive services, purpose driven congregations, church planting, evangelism, new life, and leadership development!

People take on causes – women’s issues, gay and lesbian issues, civil rights --- I guess in reality, I have my cause. This is what I’m called to. It isn’t going to pay very well. It isn’t going to draw the crowds. But I don’t think old people are gross. I think they are children of the living God. I believe that we are all headed toward a time of great spiritual revolution and growth.

Maybe the crowds won’t come. It will never pay. Our society doesn’t even pay doctors for taking care of older people. Why would we value paying prophets and preachers? But, It really is time for prophets. It is time for people to stand up and challenge people to face reality.

The last paragraph of the article in Time magazine was about a doctor who was going to teach geriatrics because there was not enough reimbursement in trying to care for old people. The last line? "Now the question is whether she can find some students.”

Oh boy.

The Night Time What Ifs - Terry

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone

My Texas son blogged poignantly about an incident that happened in the middle of the night recently. Someone drove by their rural home and took a potshot at their house, breaking a large picture window and embedding a bullet in their laundry room door. They are justifiably freaked out, buying some black-out curtains to make their house less visible from the road at night, and wondering what they can do to ensure their safety and the safety of their daughter, whose room is very near where the bullet entered.

The fears related to keeping our children safe will strike a chord with every parent and grandparent. This incident brings back memories of my own night terrors and feelings of inadequacy about protecting my children. Just like Garp, in the following quote, I wish I could be granted the same vast and naïve wish:

If Garp could have been granted one vast and naïve wish, it would have been that he could make the world safe. For children and for grownups. The world struck Garp as unnecessarily perilous for both. – John Irving, The World According to Garp

My daughter-in-law wrote: "You try to protect your children by feeding them right and teaching them to look both ways and not using nasty chemicals and buying expensive carseats and really, it's not enough." I will write, one of these days, about how I calmed those fears for myself personally, but this is enough for today.

Another Father I Admire - Terry

I am honored to provide the link today to a tribute to a father who is going through what no father should have to endure. Please read about our dear pastor, Jeff Towne, written by his wife, as her tribute for Father's Day. This young family has been fighting a horrible battle with their son, Ben's, cancer since last August. Read it here.

Nasturtiums - Terry speaks

My father has always been a crusader for nasturtiums. He is the Johnny Appleseed of the world of nasturtiums, harvesting seeds every year and packaging them up in homemade, hand-colored seed packets and sending them off to relatives around the country. Last year my seeds only sprouted tiny little lonesome nasturtiums, but this year I have a whole mound of them starting to appear. My children, my siblings, my friends have all planted dad's seeds and we all try to remember to send him pictures of our successes and even of our failures. My father has loved flowers as long as I've known him. I recently came across a picture of myself at about 3 or 4 years old surrounded by his flowers, and didn't realize that my own love of flowers must have started at that moment. My daughter loves flowers and my two sons both garden with extreme passion and blog about it! Oh that all the things I wanted to pass down were so enduring! When my parents moved to a retirement community in Arizona, my father defied the rules and planted and tended beautiful nasturtiums for many years, until the management finally required that he stop. Is the love of flowers or gardening hard wired in the family genes? Thanks, dad, for the seed packets -- and the genes!

Father’s Day, 2008 - Leona

A Remembrance

Father’s Day is a happy-sad experience for me.

It’s really fun buying cards and gifts for my son, who is now a dad, and my son-in-law who will soon be one. Seeing the joy in their lives brings a sense of wonder to my own. I also love honoring my husband who is a truly awesome dad and “Bah-pa.”

But the day and the celebrations echo in the empty spot in my heart once filled by my own Dad. He died 5 ½ years ago, but I still think that sometime he’ll show up again and play on the floor with his great-grandkids. His presence still abounds and I see him in the way my son plays with his son, and the way our grandson teases and laughs and smiles.

And so, today I want to honor my Dad by remembering a few of the things that made him so incredibly special:

• His unconditional love for me, and for my sister and mom. We firmly believed we were the most beautiful, talented, creative women to have ever dwelled on earth.
• His soft, gentle spirit.
• His hard working, can-do, will-win, attitude.
• His beautiful voice.
• His perseverance through pain, hard times and loss.
• His crazy imagination.
• His love for Jesus.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I will always, always love you.

From, Daughter #1

No post today!

We plan to post daily, taking the weekends off. However, we will have a Father's Day post tomorrow.

A thought about boomers and our feelings about long life - Leona speaks

We have worked hard at adding years to life – through research and medical advancement.

But, we meant to add years to our youth.

We want more years when we are 25 and young and healthy and virile and independent.

But added years of life didn’t get credited to that account. They were credited to the later years. That part of life of which we are most afraid, most dread, and least understand. We don’t really get more years to be with our babies, learn and discover new and exciting things, pursue power, money and sex.

No, we get more years to watch our bodies morph on us into something we neither recognize nor appreciate. We have more years to deal with chronic illness. More years to be alone without a spouse. More years to be devalued, unappreciated. More years to be old. More years to be what we were trying not to be.

This is cause for despair. Fear. Angst.

How are we as a generation going to appreciate having more years to live when somehow we feel so gypped and are so resentful?

How are we going to live longer when we don’t know how to be old?

On Turning 60 - Terry speaks

I turned 60 last week and it was a day I was dreading. I didn’t expect that 60 would come so quickly, or that it would be fraught with aches and pains. I always assumed I would age gracefully and beautifully, able to stay active, travel, enjoy my life. But sometime before my birthday I somehow injured my knee and couldn’t take my walks, could barely get in and out of my car, couldn’t garden, and couldn’t get down on the floor with my grand babes. Guilt upon my head for all those times I walked ahead of my own mother, agonizing at her slow speed and trying to hurry her along. It is not easy to slow me down and I resent the very idea that I might not be able to do whatever I want to do.

Sure you can keep telling me that I still have many wonderful years ahead, but I believe that I am going to need to work hard to make that happen. So I am resolving to work diligently on that knee and keep it functional for just a few more years.

It is pretty easy, during the down times, to start to think that my usefulness is pretty much in the past. Maybe I don’t have any more energy or talents or gifts to offer for the betterment of the world, I begin to think. Time to shrivel up and call it a wrap. But in the midst of thinking these happy birthday thoughts, a thank-you card arrived in my mail from Leona’s mother, an 81-year old widow who is still actively living out her place in the world. The quote on that card is the theme of this blog about grace and gravity. Leona and I have always dreamed about teaming up on something, anything. We’ve teamed up on many great family outings (yes, she’s married to my brother), lots of fun times together, great conversations, dreams, ideas, years of supporting each other and our families. We’ve weathered a lot of storms together. And now we are venturing out, to see if we indeed have anything new to offer to the vast internet community. Here, then, is the quote:

"BLESSED ARE THE AVAILABLE
Blessed are the conduits, the tunnels, the tools.
DELIRIOUSLY JOYFUL
are the ones who believe that if God has used
sticks and rocks to do His will, then He can use us."
Max Lucado

Descent and Ascent - Leona speaks

Kathleen Fischer, a theology instructor at Seattle University, a Catholic thinker, writer, counselor and spiritual coach, wrote a beautiful book entitled Winter Grace. I believe she captures this grace and gravity polarity beautifully. Allow me to quote a few paragraphs:

"We cannot learn to understand aging if we undervalue or overvalue its realities, or if we simply try to make it appear as much like midlife or youth as possible. The fact is that aging is BOTH descent and ascent, both loss and gain. This is true of growth at every stage of the life cycle: childhood, adolescence, midlife and old age. Time is both life and death. Change encompasses both emerging and perishing. At every point in the human journey we find that we have to let go in order to move forward; and letting go means dying a little. In the process we are being created anew, awakened afresh to the source of our being. Aging is a paradox, the unity of apparent contradictions. Jesus challenges his followers with this paradox when he says, ‘For anyone who wants to save his life will lose it; but anyone who loses his life for my sake will find it.' (Mt. 16:25). Emptiness can somehow be fullness, weakness can be strength, and dying can lead to new life. A spirituality of aging must help us find a way to turn losses into gains, to learn how the stripping process which often accompanies aging can be a gradual entrance into freedom and new life, and how, in fact, aging can be winter grace."

-Kathleen Fisher, Winter Grace, Upper Room Books, 1998, Page 8

The work of midlife is learning to balance gravity and grace. To find a deep spiritual meaning in aging, in shedding the cocoon of youth and flying free in maturity and beauty.

Welcome to our blog

Simone Weil was one of last century’s most interesting, albeit controversial, philosophers and thinkers. She coined the phrase “grace and gravity” when describing life. In fact, a posthumous publication of her writings was entitled “Gravity and Grace." She wrote that two forces prevail in the world, light and gravity. Gravity reflects our humanness; light reflects God’s grace.

Those two words, grace and gravity, describe for us the struggle we have between counting the joys of a life long lived and blessed, and the realities or gravity of considering life’s meaning and significance, the end of life, and the realities of eternity.

Weil wrote, “All the natural acts of the soul are controlled by laws similar to Gravity. The only exception is grace.”

In our efforts to face the arguably exciting days of our 50’s and 60’s, we have chosen to look at the process through a new set of eyes. We know that we don’t have a choice about aging, but we do have a choice about living. We are choosing to live with eyes wide open. We want to see more clearly all that is going on around us in our families, communities, around the globe and on the living room floor. Life is about the big things and ideas that haunt us – like social justice, poverty, and the price of real estate. It’s also about washing mud off our grandson’s hands and sitting very still to hear crickets squeak. We both want to experience the grace of aging with joyful, delirious abandon. But we both understand that there exists an irresistible pull of gravity – not the force that causes our skin to sag, but the realities of the difficult things in life. Like the bone-crushing gravity of the death of a friend or a newly diagnosed disease. We want to absorb it all, process it through our life experience, profession and perspective, and then write it down. Seeing our feelings in words somehow emblazons the experience on our soul, and pain is redeemed, joy is reclaimed, and life takes on new vibrancy.

Welcome to our journey of grace and gravity.