Never too old...

Posted by Terry McNichols

Here is a story about a 96-year-old man in Taiwan who just received his master's degree in philosophy. And a short quote from the story:

Chao Mu-he, better known to his classmates at Nanhua University in southern Taiwan as "Grandpa Chao," said he began graduate school after being told he was too old to continue as a volunteer at a local hospital. "I was bored after I left the hospital," Chao said Thursday. "I don't play mahjong or have other hobbies. I felt I had to do something with my life."

Are you bored? Looking for a new direction? How about going back to school? How about applying for a senior tuition waiver? Here is a site that lists resources on a state-by-state basis, however the Washington State listing is very incomplete. As a matter of personal interest, I checked out the University of Washington and Shoreline Community College to see what they each had to offer for seniors. Both offer tuition waivers for seniors, 60 or over, to attend up to two classes per quarter, as auditors. There are small application fees ($5 in these cases) and some classes have other facilities fees, but what a bargain. I'm sure that community colleges and universities in other areas must offer the same waivers.

Western Washington University, in Bellingham, offers the Academy for Lifelong Learning (no age restriction) and has a branch in Seattle at North Seattle Community College for those 55 and older. These classes have fees (around $25-50) and offer many interesting opportunities.

Hmm. Looks like I, too, might have "to do something with my life!"
(Photo by Wesley Fryer, shared via Flickr)

Caregiving - Beginning Stages

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

Beginning Stages
These stages sure do play themselves out in real life! This week two of my cousins are making some tough choices about care for their respective mothers. One of my aunts needs skilled nursing care following a devastating stroke. The other aunt is requiring more assistance as she tries to live independently in her apartment.

Both of my cousins are benefiting from thinking ahead and researching the choices for “when the day comes.” While the decisions they are making are tough ones, they can rest easier knowing that they’ve studied the options. The real difficulty comes in who makes the decisions.

It is always optimal if our loved one is a part of the decision making team. Usually we are afraid to ask our parents what they want or what choice sounds the best because we have so many fears. We are afraid that our parent will think that we think he/she is dying. Or, that we think they can’t take care of themselves anymore – or any number of reasons that, while they may be true, seem to be off the radar for discussion. But in reality, no one really likes for others to make life decisions FOR us. We all want to have a say in what is happening, no matter how dire it may seem.

The conversation is sometimes tricky. My friend David Solie has done some great work in this area. We’ve recommended his book before, but let’s do it again: How to Say It to Seniors, by David Solie, Prentice Hall Press. Or read his blog on parent care at www.dsolie.com

For information on resources in a community, contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Elder Care Locater at www.eldercare.gov or call 800.677.1116
(Photo by maja-1x, shared via Flickr)

Facebook revisited

Posted by Terry McNichols

It is too soon to rerun this post on the joys of using Facebook, Twitter, and other social networking sites. But I was tempted to rerun it anyway, only 3 months after its first run. That is because Facebook is rapidly taking over as the means we are all using to communicate. I now have Facebook open at the start of the day and keep track of a growing number of friends throughout the day, checking it when I sit down to check my email. I love getting little snapshots of what is going on in the lives of my adult kids (and thus my grandkids), my nieces and nephews and friends from many parts of the country and world. We have reconnected with friends now living in New Zealand, as an example, and reestablished connections with some college friends we had long since lost. I am finding that Facebook is now the first place I go to upload pictures from a recent fun event or weekend.

So, instead of a rerun, I'm linking to a very good article on "How-to-Facebook" which contains some very interesting facts about who is using it as well. Here are a couple of statistics from that post:

* Facebook reports having more than 200 million active users, more than half of whom visit the site at least once a day.

* The fastest-growing group of Facebook users is people 35 years old and older

* The average Facebook user has 120 "friends" on the site.

* More than 30 million users update their status at least once a day

So, a word: if you aren't using Facebook, then you missed out on my great video of a recent false alarm in the Houston airport, not to mention all the other important doings of your friends and relatives. Check it out!

Grandparents as "relief pitchers...."

Posted by Terry McNichols

Once again, I would like to point you to an article on Grandparents.com. This article by Barbara Graham on the 7 Laws of Grandparenting is excellent and so very true to my own experiences! Check it out. Here's an example of one of the 7 rules:

Accept your role. If you’re the mother of the new father, you may not have the same access to your grandchild as the maternal grandmother, at least in the beginning. In most families, new mothers are the primary caretakers of babies and they tend to lean on their mothers for support. This is not a problem — unless you think it is. Your grandchild will love you too. Anyhow, all grandparents — whether on the maternal or paternal side — are at risk of being shut out if they fail to observe any of these commandments. Try to think of yourself as a relief pitcher in a baseball game: You're on the bench until your adult children call you up — and then you must do as they say if you want to stay in the game. (We've already covered this, but I think it's key.)

I love the idea of being the "relief pitcher in a baseball game!" I have chosen not to do too much regularly-scheduled "day care" for just this reason. I don't want to be the starting pitcher -- I've already put in my time in that regard. But I love being the back up, getting to spend fun times with my individual grandkids and being looked on as a "treat." Do read the rules and let us know if you agree or disagree.

Old Jeans

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

This week Richard and I celebrate our 37th anniversary. To say I am blessed to have spent my life with a man like him would be an understatement. My life is rich, full, fun, crazy, romantic, meaningful, purposeful — and comfortable --with him.

I realized that even more the other day when a friend of mine visited. She has been married for four months after having been widowed for two years. She married a man who lost his wife at about the same time as she lost her husband. They are a gorgeous couple and are incredibly in love, somewhat giddy, and struggling to figure out what it means to be newlyweds when you are in your 60’s. Unbeknownst to us they sat behind us at a concert a couple of weeks ago. She told me later that he had leaned over to her and whispered in her ear while pointing to Richard and me and said, “Old jeans.”

My first thought was are we that baggy and saggy looking? But she said, no, that wasn’t it. Old jeans means comfortable, favorite, being yourself, being real.

Life is good.
(Photo by gurms, shared via Flickr)

The other grandma

Posted by Terry McNichols

I linked to this article in Monday's blog post, but wanted to be sure to call it to your attention in case you missed it. When this post goes to "press," I will be spending the day in Texas with one of my granddaughter's "other Ahmas" and I thought this story expressed it so well. I am committed to seeing my out-of-town granddaughter every 3 or 4 months, and this year it has been too long. We are trying to get our Skype and videocam to work at the same time that Z is interested in talking, but a face-to-face visit is still needed. It has been 7-1/2 months since I have seen her and when some time unexpectedly freed up, I grabbed an expensive airline ticket and headed south. We grandmothers share the common love of a child and can enjoy that child together. Do you have issues with the other grandmothers in your child's life?

We welcome guest posts and if appropriate, we will use your post in our Wednesday slot. This can be anonymous if you choose and might be shortened or edited as we see fit.

Stuff

Posted by Terry McNichols

I recently told a friend that I am giving away some pieces of furniture to my daughter, who is moving out of town. My friend was shocked, and we have had an email exchange that has brought me to this post. What follows is a slightly edited version of our exchange:

My email: You seemed surprised that I want to get rid of stuff. I guess that's the difference in being in the same house for 30 plus years and moving around several times. I have needed to downsize and downsize and I don't feel good if I'm not in the process of downsizing. So this is the next step..... Here's my first post re stuff and more has been said. I think as long as you have a big house you don't have to deal with the accumulation, but if you ever start to move, you start thinking about what you have and what you really do need to have to live.

Her response: I was surprised about all the furniture you are giving away. Each year I go through clothes and small items and decide what hasn't been used in a year could be used by someone else and off it goes. Also the Christmas box - each year I move things out. That does feel good. I'm not ready to get rid of other things yet since we do have gatherings and need chairs, dishes, etc. I think about my mother and what will happen to all her "stuff" since I have no room nor does my sister for more, nor do we want more. I do wonder about some of the things that have been special throughout the years and know that some day, not now, I will need to deal with it. I still love the tradition of bringing certain things when our early adult kids come home, assuming it will evoke fond memories of our years together. However, the thoughts you included on your blog have been on my mind from time to time. Some day, maybe all my bras will be out for public display too.

And from me: Some of my willingness to get rid of stuff also comes from the fact that my kids are all married and have kids, and they have pretty much gotten their own version of stuff and don't very often want things passed down to them. My kids each have dishes that are unique to them, and it isn't necessarily the china of our past. We had a storage unit for several years, saving things we thought our kids would want, including furniture items, and they have already taken what they want. One son lives in Texas and it gets expensive to ship things that he might want.

So with my latest small house, I find it isn't fun to try to stage the big dinners any more. It's easier to go to our kids' houses where their kids have beds and their own toys. So I see myself in a completely different life phase and can't see why I should keep enough Christmas dishes for 16! That's really not going to happen in my house any more. So I'm keeping 4 place settings and the rest have got to go.

It is painful, however, at every step, when we get rid of things. My husband sold two Corvairs that he had rebuilt and dearly loved. We sold our cute little Boler trailer. Got rid of tools, Christmas tree, dishware, books, on and on it goes. But we've done it in many phases, so it doesn't seem so painful. And this little house feels crowded, so I'm on the rampage again.
And I do get jealous of people who keep their big houses and have a place for kids and grandkids to return to. But if we'd done that, we'd still be in our first big house, our kids would all be dispersed, and we'd be stuck in the rut we were in, with none of the exciting things we've managed to make happen in the last few years. So no regrets! Just poignant jealousy at times.

Addendum: So, yes, I am sending my daughter off in their moving van with my oak china closet, oak buffet, and our large lovely sofa, part of a 3-piece set. I see the opportunity to pass on a few of my favorite things when there is a truck ready to take them. And she wants these items! So I am also getting rid of most of the things that were stored in those pieces of furniture. If I were my own therapist, I'd worry about my state of mind, but believe me, I'm happy! I would love to say that my generosity was a result of hearing the sermon yesterday and wanting to live more simply. Yes, there is that, but this time it is purely selfish. My house will feel much less cluttered, and for me, that's a very good feeling. My daughter, who appreciates old oak furniture as much as I do, will put it to good use, and I will happily visit my past furniture in its new surroundings!
(Photo by 1fave, shared via Flickr)

Pipeline Explosion anniversary

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

This weeks marks the 10th anniversary of the pipeline explosion in Bellingham. Three young people lost their lives in that fiery disaster. It was a horrible and devastating event.

The explosion is forever burned into my own memory and life. On June 10 I was headed home after a long and tiring day of work. I decided to treat myself to a beautiful convertible drive home rather than go my usual route, so I headed east on Iowa Street toward Whatcom Falls Park and Bayview Cemetery. It was sunny and the top was down! I was stopped a red light when before me a huge fire ball burst from the forest and blasted its way across my horizon. Before I could take a breath the fireball roared across the bridge and all along the creek to my right. It was not hard to see that the damage was immediate and devastating. I knew lives would be lost. My fear was that this incendiary ball was headed toward downtown Bellingham.

I pulled over, put the convertible top up because I didn’t know what was going to rain down on me, and headed immediately back to the hospital. Since I was on the management staff I knew that I needed to report to the disaster response team. Surely there would be multiple injuries and probable deaths. I was assigned to the switchboard where I began taking multiple calls from worried parents wondering if their children had been taken to the ER. I was also a liaison to the ER taking messages to families and hospital staff there. It was then that I encountered the family of one of the young boys who was seriously injured. I shall never forget the sight of a dad following the burned body of his 10-year-old son to the ambulance to be transported to a burn center in Seattle. The loss, fear and devastation was beyond description.

Two little boys lost their battle and died the next day. Another teenager was overcome by the fumes and flames as he fished on the once calm creek. Three lives were lost. It was a sad, sad day.

I recall that memory with continued sadness and residual horror. My prayers continue to be with the families and an entire community that suffered such loss. I am grateful for the work that has been done in the past decade to demand stricter regulations for gas pipelines and improve safety.

May the young who lost their lives rest in peace, and may their families find comfort on this day of remembrance.
(Photo of Whatcom Creek by edgeport, shared via Flickr)

Happy Anniversary to US!

Posted by Terry and Leona

Leona noticed that June 10th marks the one-year anniversary of our blog. We have been enjoying the writing process and hope that you have enjoyed following along with us on our journey. We are rerunning our very first post as a reminder of why we started. Thanks for reading!

Simone Weil was one of last century’s most interesting, albeit controversial, philosophers and thinkers. She coined the phrase “grace and gravity” when describing life. In fact, a posthumous publication of her writings was entitled “Gravity and Grace." She wrote that two forces prevail in the world, light and gravity. Gravity reflects our humanness; light reflects God’s grace.

Those two words, grace and gravity, describe for us the struggle we have between counting the joys of a life long lived and blessed, and the realities or gravity of considering life’s meaning and significance, the end of life, and the realities of eternity.

Weil wrote, “All the natural acts of the soul are controlled by laws similar to Gravity. The only exception is grace.”

In our efforts to face the arguably exciting days of our 50’s and 60’s, we have chosen to look at the process through a new set of eyes. We know that we don’t have a choice about aging, but we do have a choice about living. We are choosing to live with eyes wide open. We want to see more clearly all that is going on around us in our families, communities, around the globe and on the living room floor. Life is about the big things and ideas that haunt us – like social justice, poverty, and the price of real estate. It’s also about washing mud off our grandson’s hands and sitting very still to hear crickets squeak. We both want to experience the grace of aging with joyful, delirious abandon. But we both understand that there exists an irresistible pull of gravity – not the force that causes our skin to sag, but the realities of the difficult things in life. Like the bone-crushing gravity of the death of a friend or a newly diagnosed disease. We want to absorb it all, process it through our life experience, profession and perspective, and then write it down. Seeing our feelings in words somehow emblazons the experience on our soul, and pain is redeemed, joy is reclaimed, and life takes on new vibrancy.

Welcome to our journey of grace and gravity.

(Photo by Sandra, shared via Flickr)

A guest post

Posted by Karen Rogers

At the risk of sounding simultaneously selfish and nerdy, I have to admit that I have taken very few vacations solely for the amusement of a child. Now don't get me wrong, there have been the occasional ones, especially when my daughter was young. The annual trip to Strawberry Patch Land and the waterpark trip were examples. But more often they were family vacations with some adult entertainment thrown in. "Oh, doesn't that winery sound great?" "What about that museum?" "Can we sneak in a great dinner at a fancy place?" "How about a great drive around the fancy old town district?" "Oh look at that wine bar, think we could hear some music too?" These adult-themed sidelines have met with mixed results, but never really were focused on the child in question. How many wineries did we visit in their short lives? Did she really enjoy Vegas or New Orleans when she was 9?

But those facts aside, I'll have to say that I meant well. No, really. Even though we hung out at our share of museums that no child would like, drank our share of wine, and made various children sit through endless long adult meals, we did some very fun things. We hiked up a mountain in Colorado, visited Paris, took canoes down the Buffalo River, swam in both oceans and the gulf, walked in the snow, ate hot dogs around a campfire, you get the picture.

But this vacation was different. This trip with our granddaughter was all about her, from beginning to end. And in watching her have fun, I have to admit that I had a great time! No wine bar, no fancy dinners, no great museums. Just sand and more sand, and water and the throwing of sand and the rolling in sand and the jumping of waves and the making of sand castles and the endless fascination that only a four year old can bring to the table.

She had a blast!
PS: Karen and I share the joy of this particular grandchild. And she is a grandmother I admire! I thought of her particularly (and Peggy as well) when I read this poignant post.

Love after 80....

Posted by Terry McNichols

We were in Los Angeles last weekend for the clandestine wedding between Ken's mother, Marilyn and Verl Lindley. Both are in their 80's and widowed. They began dating in late 2008 and married on May 30th. That might seem like a short courtship, but to quote Verl, "When you're 85, a month seems like a year." Their story is amazing, actually. They dated as 16 and 17 year olds, shortly before Verl went into the military and headed off to war. Marilyn gave Verl a journal to keep while he was away, and we had a great time reading about all his exploits. One entry said "dissolved relationship with Marilyn," so we know they ended their relationship, but neither one could remember the details. Verl eventually married Lois and Marilyn married Dean and both were married to their respective spouses for over 60 years.

The two couples were very close friends over the years and Verl pastored the church that Dean and Marilyn eventually attended. When Lois died, Marilyn extended friendship and compassion to Verl -- and the rest is history! The wedding was attended by many of the kids, grandkids, and great grandkids on both sides, totally 50 guests. Just for the fun of it, and to keep the wedding small, it was kept secret from everyone else, and announcements were sent out to over 400 friends on the day of the wedding.

It was an honor for all of us to participate in this happy occasion. And it is encouraging to know that there is, indeed, love after 80! Both Verl and Marilyn had long happy marriages and finding new love at this point in their lives was a wonderful surprise. May God grant them many happy years together.

Beginning

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

The next stage of caregiving is simply “Beginning”. This is when a person has actually begun to provide care for a loved one. It may be as simple as running errands, grocery shopping, paying bills or as complex as providing personal care or administering medications. The hallmark of this stage is simply that a loved one is dependent on this assistance.

During this stage a person needs to learn the appropriate skills needed to provide care. In surveying family caregivers, one of the greatest fears reported was the fear of inadequacy. “I simply don’t know how to provide care….” Whether it is learning how to transfer a person from bed to wheelchair, becoming acquainted with recipes to meet diet restrictions or understanding appropriate communication techniques, it is important to be educated and ready.

The second thing a beginning caregiver needs to learn is how to make good decisions regarding the safety and well being of the care-recipient. How are you going to make decisions? Will you involve the care-receiver? The family? Your physician?

And finally, a beginning caregiver needs to be able to assess his/her own needs for breaks, respite and assistance. It’s easy to get caught up in the trap of thinking you have to do it all – all of the time. Caregiver burnout is not only commonplace, it is deadly. Begin now to learn how to set boundaries and limits – and communicate them clearly to your loved one and other family members.
(Photo by prakar, shared via Flickr)

Rerun Wednesday - Donna's post

Posted by Donna Vandergriend

“Diminishment” was the word that came to mind when I reached 65 along with that state of joblessness we call retirement. My significance seemed smaller; my sense of purpose waned. Our children, whom we raised to be independent (what were we thinking?) needed us less. The phone rang fewer times; the calendar squares showed white spaces. I feared my world was getting smaller; I feared God might be setting me aside; I feared being forgotten. “Honey, I’m shrinking,” I said to my husband. He teasingly got out the tape measure and discovered I was physically an inch shorter from settling vertebrae mixed with a little osteoporosis and arthritis.

This diminishing feeling can be downright depressing…unless we figure out how to reframe our definitions. “For when I am weak, then I am strong,” is a great concept for turning diminishment into a good thing. When I am surrendered and dependent, God can powerfully work. When I just sit there, God can expand my world by showing me what He is up to. When I get myself out of the way perhaps people can better see and find Him.

Yesterday I was recalling how long and complicated our job descriptions used to be: resumes and qualifications and goals and mission statements and references on pages and pages of parchment-like paper. Today I wrote a friend. “This is what I do these days: cook, clean, read, write, converse, pray, play, and encourage.” I liked the ring of that when I re-read it, the simplicity, the diminishment of complicated, on-demand living.

The clincher on rethinking my diminishment status, though, was when, during a time of prayer, I imagined God dialoguing with me and saying: “Remember how, during those busy, hectic years of doing, doing, doing, you used to pray, pretty desperately at times: ‘Lord, show me what it means to rest in the Lord?’ Well, here it is, the possibility of true and abundant rest. Stop whining and enjoy!”

(See Donna's prior guest post and our review of her book!)
(Photo by Korean Resource Center, shared via Flickr)

Marrying the "right" person

Posted by Terry McNichols

I decided to write a post about marriage, since I am out of town at this time attending an important family wedding. I hope to post the details of that wedding next week, as it is an extraordinary event. And we had another family wedding earlier in May. I was reminded of how often a person coming into counseling would suggest that possibly he or she had married the wrong person. Following is a very profound quote by Zig Ziglar:

I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. I'll be the first to admit that it's possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also knot that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you.

(Photo by Quo Vadis, shared via Flickr)