Back to caregiving!

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

This weekend I’m headed to Denver. Yet, another opportunity for me to see how things are going with my mom and with other relatives. I know that there will be some surprises, some concerns and some relief.

I would like to spend the next few weeks talking about the “stages” of caregiving and what we might do to be better prepared.

The first stage is “Watchful.” This is when we have a growing concern about the health, safety or mental functioning of a loved one, and we anticipate the need to provide some level of assistance or care. An immediate crisis may not be in effect, but the threat of one seems to hang on the horizon.

This is when we need to prepare for the probability of caregiving. We need to begin researching options, gathering information and taking proactive steps. We may want to look at the variety of educational resources available. Hospitals, senior centers, Area Agencies on Aging, retirement communities and other service providers offer educational seminars to help us understand the process of disease of disability.

BREAKING NEWS: One such educational session is being held in Mt. Vernon on Saturday, June 6. It is a Christian Caregivers Conference and will be held at Mt. Vernon Presbyterian Church. It’s free. There are some great speakers that will instruct and encourage caregivers.
Contact Vicki McCarty at 360-387-0620 if you are interested.

I love to see churches provide this kind of information for their congregations. I have an entire seminar series on some of these issues prepared if you want me to come to your church! leonaberg@comcast.net I did one such training last week and a woman came up afterwards to tell me that her mother-in-law had just been diagnosed with dementia, likely Alzheimer’s. What should she do? What a great “watchful” caregiver! If she and her family begin to do some research now – on both the disease process and the resources available – care for her loved one is going to go much smoother.

Remember, these are emotionally laden issues. We all prefer the state of denial where we don’t acknowledge what is going on with our parents. But dwelling in that state is the worst long-distance caregiving you can provide.

(Photo by zappowbang, shared via Flickr)

Rerun Wednesday - How you live your life today

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

I was interested to read in this week’s Seattle Times that Dr. K. Warner Schaei, an 80 year old “retired” professor from Penn State University is moving back to Seattle. He has been a student and teacher of gerontology for over 50 years and has conducted one of the most extensive and lasting psychological research studies on how people develop and change cognitively as they age. His longitudinal study, based in Seattle, has spanned 50 years and included three generations. The Seattle Times states “Information from this study has helped change mandatory-retirement law and combat phrases like ‘having a senior moment’ and other examples of ageism. (I’ll comment on my disgust with that phrase at another time....)

One of Dr. Schaei’s statements confirms something we’ve all contemplated: “How you live your life makes a difference as to how you will move into old age. You don’t suddenly become a member of a different species when you grow old. It’s clear that a person who is quick-minded and not rigid in his thinking has an advantage. Things change, but if you’re a good problem solver or successfully handled a personal crisis when you were younger, you will likely continue to do so.”(Photo by peamasher, shared via Flickr)

Coffee, tea, or, er..... seat back?

Posted by Terry McNichols

A recent airline trip reminded me of why I don't like to fly any more. Since U.S. Airways now charges for every checked bag, consequently, all passengers now try to carry on their luggage. I learned quickly on my last flight with the same airline that a seat near the front of the airplane means that your carry on isn't going to have a place to be and will need to be gate checked. Since the same airline is very strict on the one carry on, one personal item rule, I had put my purse into my suitcase. That meant that my valuables and everything else I needed was now in the belly of the plane, checked at the actual door of the airplane, with no time to think things through. Fortunately, my suitcase arrived at my destination without incident.

On this particular flight, passengers were urged to gate check their bags in advance, thus getting to board the plane early and not have to fight for an overhead bin. We ended up finding room for our luggage far from where we were seated. So on the return flight, we offered to gate check our bags to save some hassles. Here's the conversation:
Me: "Are you offering gate check and early boarding?"
US Airways: "Yes, but you should have checked your bags at ticketing."
Me: "Right, but we wanted to carry them on and we have seats in row 8, so we know there won't be any room for our bags."
US Airways: "Then you should have checked them at ticketing."
Me: "And then you would have charged us $15 each for a bag we should be able to carry on."
US Airways: "Right. But you should have checked them in at ticketing.
Me: "And paid the extra $15?"
US Airways: "Well, we are going to make it so you can't do this in the future."

So I don't get it. Change the rules and make us pay to check our first bag. Then watch every passenger try to stuff the absolute maximum into the overhead bins. Then force us to gate check our bags that we were planning on controlling. Now you want to charge us for the carry on by making us check it with ticketing. GIVE IT UP! Take off the charges for checked luggage and raise the price of the tickets if you must. But don't treat us like idiots and assume we don't get it. No snacks, not even a teensy bag of pretzels, $7 for a drink, $7 for a meal, and $7 for a "nap sack" which contains a sleazy pillow and blanket. This cartoon was honestly in the paper that we were reading on the plane that day. Too true. Thus ends my rant.

Caring From Afar

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

Last week I mentioned that we were struggling with caring for parents who live far away. (Of course, it was WE who moved away....) As Terry put it, when we are there we hover, when we are away, we worry. In my career, I have seen “simple” falls escalate to major health demise. And, I’ve seen a short hospitalization become the first of many 9-1-1 follow up crises and exacerbated conditions. But at the same time, I have watched our own parents and others exhibit heroic displays of resilience and resolve.

Recently one of our parents faced some serious struggles following a critical health incident. After things improved a bit, one of our siblings remarked, “Well, I think we dodged the bullet on this one.” It reminded me of Beth Witrogen McCloud’s comment, “We may expect one-time answers for an ever-changing landscape, single solutions for progressive conditions.” And that’s the key. We are on a journey now that is ever-changing, dynamic, full of surprises and unprecedented challenges. One-time events come at variable intervals with less time in-between. We live waiting for “the other shoe to drop.”

What do we need to know as we think about long-term care? When do we intervene with care that is proactive and appropriately responsive?

In the book And Thou Shalt Honor, Rosalynn Carter and Beth Witrogen McLeod, the writers, suggest the following:

While the decision to intervene in a loved one’s care is seldom clear-cut, certain physical and behavioral changes are definitely cause for concern. Keep a watchful eye for the following red flags:

* Appreciable weight loss or gain
* Sudden paranoia, combativeness, aggression, or hallucinations
* Disturbing changes in attitude and self-esteem
* A noticeable decline in hygiene and grooming
* Excuses for skipping routine tasks like going to a doctor, the barber or the grocery store
* Lake of interest in friends, hobbies and activities
* Social isolation
* Unpaid bills, or notices about utilities being shut off
* Unsafe behavior such as leaving food burning on the stove
* Frequent falls
* Frequent memory lapses
* Getting lost on familiar, well-traveled routes.


These things are more detectable if you live nearby. But what if we are long-distance caregivers? McLeod suggests that we need to: (1) Visit as often as you can. (2) Phone frequently. (3) Encourage other family members to phone. (4) Organize local support – like a neighbor who will check in once in awhile. (5) Utilize community resources (more on this next week). (6) Install a personal emergency response system. And maybe even consider hiring a geriatric care manager to handle those aspects of a loved one’s care that you cannot do from a distance.

We need to be watchful without being intrusive. Wise without being “know-it-alls.” It’s a difficult dance.

Suggested reading:
Caregiving: The Spiritual Journey of Love, Loss and Renewal, Beth Witrogen McLeod.
And Thou Shalt Honor, Rosalynn Carter and Beth Witrogen McLeod.
(Photo by steven and sara, shared via Flickr)

Rerun Wednesday - Grandmothers' hands

Posted by Terry McNichols

This picture was emailed to me by my sister-in-law, Connie. She thought it went along with our stories of grandmothers' hands, so I am including it today. If I must give credit, here's where I found the picture and accompanying story when I searched the internet for the source. And here's the explanation:

I was privileged to take a photo of "Five Generations of Women" shortly before my 93 year-old Grandmother passed away last year. The photo, shown below, features the hands of my Grandmother, Mom, Sister, Niece and Great-Niece. While I can't take credit for the idea, I was so happy to have had the suggestion & capture this moment. It inspired a friend of mine to do something similar which turned out so beautiful and a special keepsake prior to her father's passing.

If you are fortunate enough to have 5 generations living, run out and take a picture like this!

Remote control

Posted by Terry McNichols

Sometimes the blog posts just write themselves.

I promised myself long ago that I would never be a person with 3 or 4 remotes necessary for the operation of my tv, dvd and various other things connected to my tv. But alas, that day is here.

We have been having issues with our Comcast connection, such that I finally called them and complained about our poor reception. "No problem" they say, we will just send you a small box and a set of controls and you will never have to worry again about poor reception. Not only was the box free, but box number 3 only cost $1.99, so I bought box number 3 as well.

But yesterday, as I was pointing my hand-held telephone at the tv and wondering why that didn't get the appropriate response, I realize that I have now arrived at that point in life I have so long avoided. I have friends (you know who you are) who have had these multiple hand helds for years, but I often thought them outrageously complex. Now I have joined them.

I have 3 remotes. One controls several functions of the television, including the sound. If I don't get it right, the sound disappears. If I get it wrong, there is a scary loud sound that makes my grandson burst into hysterical crying, fearing the worst. I have to first turn UP the volume on the tv remote, then control it from the new Comcast remote. So I am often hitting the volume up on one and getting no sound at all. Oh, but to control sound on the DVD, I use only the tv remote.

HOW did I get to this point of no return. When did I lose control of the remotes? How will I regain control? Got any good ideas for this neophyte, lost in the land of too many remotes?
(Photo by Major Clanger, shared via Flickr)

Tattoos and the Trinity

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

The conversation in the station next to us was fascinating. Seems like the lady’s hair stylist had shown up with a rather large tattoo on the back of her neck. It was just too much for the customer who stated she thought it was “gross” and just didn’t understand this generation wanting tatoos all over their bodies. She left rolling her eyes.

That’s when my stylist, a 30-year-old man and former pro-baseball player, began talking to me about his tattoos. He said he had a few but there wasn’t any thing or any symbol that he thought he would want to remember all of his life. That’s when I told him about our son’s tattoo. When Jonathan was in college he went to Italy on a study-abroad program. While there he was impressed with the sacred symbolism of old. Being an artist, he sketched out the symbol for the Holy Trinity, took it to a street vendor and had the symbol tattooed on his leg just above the ankle. When he came home, he explained to us that the symbol of the triune God was the only thing he knew for certain he would want tattooed on his body for the rest of his life.

When I told Ross this he said, “I have no idea what the Trinity even is. I just know that the Catholics talk about it and the Muslims don’t agree.”

I hate to admit it, but I couldn’t believe that he had no idea what the Trinity is. He grew up in Sunday School, for goodness sake. I asked him, “Would you like for me to explain it to you?” He said yes, and I had the chance to tell him of the mystery and truth of God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. And then I was able to tell him that understanding that Jesus was both fully man and fully God is critical and is what makes Christianity unique. Understanding the person of Christ makes all the difference in the world.

Great truth makes for a great tattoo.
(Photo by 1 fave, shared via Flickr)

Rerun Wednesday - Is your hut burning?

Posted by Terry McNichols
(This is being rerun after another large fire hit Santa Barbara, this time coming close to but sparing Westmont College, our alma mater).

When I picked this particular story to post, I had no idea that it would be ready for publication shortly after the massive fires that burned in Southern California. My dorm (and Leona's) at Westmont College, our alma mater, burned to the ground. The college lost several buildings, including 14 homes for faculty that were completely destroyed. The students had to take refuge in the gymnasium. Many private homes in the Montecito area were destroyed. Westmont has been here before, with a residence hall burned in a 1964 fire. Once again, the fire raged out of control. Here's the story I had ready to post:

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.

Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

It is very difficult, in the midst of suffering, to understand how God is at work. What smoke signal did this fire send? I will be interested in seeing in the weeks ahead how God uses the Westmont community in this time of trouble.

(Photo by Creativity+TimothyK, shared via Flickr)

Twitter for Dummies

Posted by Terry McNichols

Not that I'm suggesting any of our followers would wonder about what Twitter is or does, but just in case you are one of the many skeptics, there is a video out that will help you understand exactly what Twitter is and how it works. I read about the people who made this video in Seattle Magazine and was intrigued by their creativity and simplicity in explaining tough concepts. They have several other interesting videos that might help explain the world wide web, social networking, rss feeds, or other technologically challenging new concepts. I wrote earlier about signing up for a twitter account, but I must admit that I haven't been checking it very often. But if we are to keep up in our fast-changing world, we do need to be aware of the next big thing. And Twitter is definitely here to stay.

In my first foray into "tweeting," I had a one-on-one conversation with John Cleese, the British actor I know best from watching hours worth of Faulty Towers episodes. It was admittedly a very inane conversation, but it was John tweeting directly to me and was fun! I haven't decided who I want to follow, other than family members, so if you have any suggestions for me, please comment!

What follows, however, is a very good description of what Twitter is and how it works. Check out other video explanations at Common Craft!

Happy Mother's Day

Posted by Terry McNichols


Here's a post I wish I'd written. Happy Mother's Day to our mothers -- and to our daughters who are mothers! Thanks for the amazing grandkids!
(Photo by jonathanb1989, shared via Flickr)

Who are the caregivers?

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

Who are caregivers?
There are the obvious ones we all know and recognize. They are wives or husbands of very ill persons who are considered “shut-in” or homebound. They may provide 24-hour care, may utilize formal services and are connected with the social and health care network.

But there are others. There are those who are holding down full-time jobs and trying to provide personal care or perform housekeeping and home maintenance chores for aging relatives. They may be buying groceries, mowing the lawn or cleaning the house. These are hidden caregivers. Then there are those in the “sandwich generation” caring for both aging parents and their own children at the same time. Or grandchildren!

And there are people like us – long distance caregivers. We’re trying to guess what’s needed, intervene when appropriate, and hope that things don’t go unnoticed. We hover when we visit and worry when we are away.

This week I experienced both responses. We went to Phoenix and hovered over parents who don’t seem to understand the vital importance of simply organizing their medications in a pillbox. We hovered until they placed each pill in the appropriate day and time section. Today my own mom fell. More x-rays, more uncertainty. With 1,200 miles between us, there is not much I can do. Of course I worry.

Next week I’ll talk about the first “stage” of caregiving and what things we can begin to put in place to support our loved ones.
(Photo by psyberartist, shared via Flickr)

Rerun Wednesday - The Dash

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

We have spent time reflecting on what we want to experience in our lives, our “bucket lists” if you will. I talked with a friend today who reminded me of the poem, The Dash, written in 1996 by Linda Ellis. This profound poem reminds us that our tombstone will reflect the pre-determined date of our birth and of our death, but it is what lies between those dates that will be remembered by those who know us. It makes one pause to reflect on what we want that dash to include. You might enjoy watching The Dash film. Many churches and small groups are studying The One Month to Live book as a guide for thinking through The Dash. The tag line for the book is “thirty days to a no-regrets life.” Sounds like a great adventure.

Desire path

Posted by Terry McNichols

I recently heard someone mention the term "desire path." This is the term coined by Gaston Bachelard in his book, The Poetics of Space. A desire path, according to wikipedia, is "a path developed by erosion caused by animal or human footfall. The path usually represents the shortest or most easily navigated route between an origin and destination. The width and amount of erosion of the line represents the amount of demand. Desire paths can usually be found as shortcuts where constructed pathways take a circuitous route."

We've all seen them. A worn grassy path through a field, shortcutting the route that was planned on paper. They usually represent the shortest distance between two places, and all the fences and "keep off the grass" signs seem to have no impact.

I have been thinking lately of how we often seem to live our lives in the "desire path" that best suits us. We ignore the things we've learned -- the sermons, the self-help books, the life lessons, and follow the path of least resistance. We fall back on the familiar patterns, sinking into bad behaviors, addictions, depression, cynicism -- whatever form our own path of least resistance offers.

Sometimes city planners go ahead and pave the "desire path," giving in to the path of least resistance. I hope I'm not paving too many of my own desire paths.... I suppose I could just as easily write about taking the road less traveled, but that's for another day.
(Photo by wetwebwork, shared via Flickr)

Orthodox chanting

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

Last week we attended a Christian leadership conference in Atlanta. It was innovative, fresh, inspiring and sometimes frightening. In such a fast-changing world we are left gasping, trying to figure out the next innovative approach to ministry. Consistently we are bombarded with the message that we’ve got to liven things up – a lot. Our worship has to be innovative, risky, “emergent”, cutting edge – and loud!

That’s probably why the extreme devotion that Terry’s niece has to the expression of her Orthodox faith was so inspiring. Without debating theology, I want to applaud Emily for the beauty in the manifestation of her convictions. I think you’ll find it a refreshing example of reflective worship. The next generation never ceases to amaze me.

Find the PBS Religion and Ethics piece here.

(Photo by Dan Beards, shared via Flickr)