HOT WEATHER, WARM MEMORIES

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

We’ve been moaning and groaning a lot this week about the super high temperatures in Seattle. Dick and I are very blessed to live near Lake Washington and have beach access at a small community beach club. (It helps make up for living on a very busy street and hearing traffic the rest of the year!) Living near the lake makes us very popular this time of year – especially on days when the temperature exceeds 100 degrees. Standing in the cold lake is the best remedy!

We have had a blast hosting our family at the beach. Together we work to put up canopies (Terry and I are learning to follow directions….), blow up floaties, build sand castles, and chase giant bubbles. We’re learning that we need shoes in the lake because the rocks are sharp. We’re learning what are the best no-fuss foods to take in coolers and how much ice to buy. We’re watching our grandsons and grandnephews learn how to swim! We’re becoming good friends as we talk, beach buddies as we play and all around enjoying getting closer as a family.

My daughter said to me yesterday while we were bobbing up and down in the cool lake water, “Mom, you know how you guys are always talking about your memories with your kids at Lake Padden or Flathead Lake? Well, now we are making our OWN memories. We’ll never forget this.”

Hot weather. Warm memories. It doesn’t get any better than this.

I'm Really Glad - a Guest Post

Guest Post - Jim Schmotzer

Here is a poem, written by Jim Schmotzer, Bellingham, Washington for posting on his blog, The Faithful Skeptic. Jim is a friend of Leona's. Thanks, Jim, for allowing us to repost your poignant poem on our blog!

I'm Really Glad

I’m really glad my mom
Can’t see her kitchen
I know, it sounds cruel,
Like I’m happy she’s going blind
But, I ache watching her
Arch her neck, tilting her head
Toward nothing, looking
The wrong direction, eyes lost, unfocused

She wants to fix dinner
Like she used to, cook a feast
And revel in watching us
Rush toward satiation
I offer to take her to dinner
Anywhere she’d like to go
A poorly veiled attempt to distance myself
From eating from her kitchen

Tiny sugar ants,
Smaller than the ones we’d find
Summer afternoons on the curb
Aligning a magnifying glass
So the sun focused in a spot
They could not escape
We’d watch them sizzle and smoke,
Occasionally igniting a flame,
Then look for more,
Like I said these are smaller
And look black until sunlight reveals
The ruby shine of their shell,
And they are not an army
Swarming every open surface
But small groups of up to five or six,
They crawl over calcified food bits
Long past identification
On counters and in drawers
My wife and I have “deep cleaned”
On our past few visits
A conflicted attempt at love and self-preservation
Yet when we return
Our efforts have vanished
Clearly we don’t visit often enough

When sitting in my mom’s chair
By the front window
I discovered they had migrated
To the living room
There were a few on the side table
My guess is they found where she
Sets her partially eaten cookies
Or where the crumbs settle
When she flails her hands while talking
Or the syrup of her soda pop sloshes

I have tried to explain
To help her see
Little things she should do
To make it better
Only to instigate mutual frustration
That results in no change

She is at peace in her
Lack of knowing
And it may be best for
At least one of us to be
In that state these days
(Photo by just.Luc, shared via Flickr)

Things I catch myself saying....

Posted by Terry McNichols

On a lighter note than some of last week's posts -- I find that there are certain expressions that come to me automatically from time to time, unbidden. I'm sure you have some as well. One of my favorite pastimes, with the onset of the internet, is to try to track down the origins of expressions I find myself using. (Another pastime is debunking the email urban myths that so many people forward before verifying.... but that's another story). Just today, when something especially exciting happened, I heard myself say, "Be still, my beating heart!" I use that expression often, and to me it means that something is so wonderful as to take my breath away.

I often amaze my acquaintances with my ability to search and find trivial information on the internet. The truth to that trick, however, is much too simple. By merely typing the phrase or urban myth or lyric or crossword clue into Google search, it is possible to present oneself as extremely witty and profound. So today, in search of the origins of my expression, I did indeed type "be still, my beating heart" into the search engine. Click here if you'd like the full explanation of the beginnings of that expression. I would love to claim that I learned it from William Mountfort's Zelmane, 1705, "Ha! hold my Brain; be still my beating Heart," as that is the true expression. I think it is more likely that I was given the full statement or told of the origin when I took part in a high school production of HMS Pinafore! Here's the clue:

The expression, and the comic manner it is now delivered, was brought to a wide public in Gilbert and Sullivan's opera HMS Pinafore, 1878:

Ralph:
Aye, even though Jove's armoury were launched at the head of the audacious mortal whose lips, unhallowed by relationship, dared to breathe that precious word, yet would I breathe it once, and then perchance be silent vermore. Josephine, in one brief breath I will concentrate the hopes, the doubts, the anxious fears of six weary months. Josephine, I am a British sailor, and I love you!

Jospehine:
Sir, this audacity!
(Aside.) Oh, my heart, my beating heart!
(Aloud.) This unwarrantable presumption on the part of a common sailor!

So, do be still, my beating heart, and await news of future possible joy units ahead (joy units being a favorite expression of my late father-in-law!)

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE....

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

I do not know exactly what takes place when someone dies. I do know the moments surrounding a last breath are profoundly sacred.

A couple of weeks ago I flew to Denver to be near my Aunt Velma who was in hospice care. I wanted to say good bye but I wasn’t sure I would make it there before she died. Rather than attend church on Sunday morning, I opted for the earliest flight out. My sister and I arrived before noon and were warmly and emotionally greeted by my cousin, Aunt Velma’s only son. “She waited for you,” he said as he embraced me. I didn’t understand at the time, but later learned that my aunt had been near death when someone told her I was coming to be with her. She had mysteriously “rallied,” and although she was apparently not conscious, she relaxed and continued steady, albeit shallow, breathing.

I entered her room and knelt at her side. The moments that followed will forever change my life. I spoke into her ear, which physically was nearly deaf but spiritually quite attuned to what I had to tell her. I was able to thank her for the abundant love she had shown me all of my life. I reminded her of precious secrets we had shared. I told her I loved her and I would miss her presence in my life. She took her last breath just after 2 pm. Her life on earth was completed. My family had shared memories around her bedside. We had laughed and cried. She knew we loved her. She knew all of us were there.

And then somehow true transformation took place. Her worn little body stayed behind, but her spunky, God-loving spirit went home.

Think of stepping on shore
And finding it Heaven!
Of taking hold of a hand
And finding it God's Hand!
Of breathing a new air
And finding it celestial air!
Of feeling invigorated
And finding it immortality!
Of passing from storm and tempest
To an unbroken calm;
Of waking up and finding
Yourself HOME!
---Robert E. Selle

(Photo by young_einstein, shared via Flickr)
See also our prior post on a way of looking at death here.

And dad carries on....

Posted by Terry McNichols

Today's surgery is over and deemed "successful." Apparently another stent was inserted inside original stent and the leak has slowed to a trickle. Hopefully this will stop at some point, as well, but isn't considered "life threatening" at this point. My friend, Donna, of the beautiful words, (here, here, and here) said it so sweetly in an email to me: "More lessons on how parents own a piece of our hearts whether we've sold it to them or not."

Based on the lessons we learned at the event of my dad's last surgery, one sibling has been present the entire time and is now able to extend his "sick leave" to continue caring for mom and dad. Yes, my dad does own a piece of my heart.

Still another surgery....

Another day, another surgery. My dad's Monday surgery was unsuccessful and this morning they will be trying once more to repair the stent.

The little house that could....

Posted by Terry McNichols

I posted here about Edith Macefield's choice to remain in her home until her death while Trader Joe's and L.A. Fitness grew up around her at the new Ballard Blocks. Here and here and here are some follow-up links to complete the story. Here is a quote from one of the stories:

The cottage once owned by Edith Macefield, an elderly woman who turned down an offer of $1 million to sell her home to developers, has been sold to a company run by a motivational speaker who says he intends to raise the home into the air — both literally and philosophically.

The home was also used to promote the movie UP. It will be interesting to see what becomes of this now-beloved old house!

My dad's surgery

Posted by Terry McNichols

Many of you have emailed and asked about the outcome of my dad's surgery. My dad made it successfully through the surgery and is up and walking today. He will have a CT scan tomorrow to find out if the leakage of his aneurysm has stopped. But he seems to be in much better spirits and much better shape physically this time around as the surgery was not as complex.

Thank you for your prayers and support.

My dad's surgery revisited

Posted by Terry McNichols

I have posted often about my father's past year, including his surgery to insert a stent in his aorta and bypass a nasty aneurysm. We are saddened that today my dad will be returning to surgery to repair a leak that has developed from that surgery. Read about his surgery here, here and here. He has been doing very well and we are hopeful that this will not be a major setback. I thought I would rerun this 2008 Father's Day post in his honor. Prayers heavenward appreciated!

My father has always been a crusader for nasturtiums. He is the Johnny Appleseed of the world of nasturtiums, harvesting seeds every year and packaging them up in homemade, hand-colored seed packets and sending them off to relatives around the country. Last year my seeds only sprouted tiny little lonesome nasturtiums, but this year I have a whole mound of them starting to appear. My children, my siblings, my friends have all planted dad's seeds and we all try to remember to send him pictures of our successes and even of our failures. My father has loved flowers as long as I've known him. I recently came across a picture of myself at about 3 or 4 years old surrounded by his flowers, and didn't realize that my own love of flowers must have started at that moment. My daughter loves flowers and my two sons both garden with extreme passion and blog about it! Oh that all the things I wanted to pass down were so enduring! When my parents moved to a retirement community in Arizona, my father defied the rules and planted and tended beautiful nasturtiums for many years, until the management finally required that he stop. Is the love of flowers or gardening hard wired in the family genes? Thanks, dad, for the seed packets -- and the genes!

Nasturtiums Here Too! (From Leona!)

This year I finally found a place to plant nasturtiums! So I planted Rudy's seeds from 2007 and 2008! Here they are...poking their little heads up in the Seattle sunshine. Stay tuned for blooms! Thanks, Rudy! We hope they do you proud.

Caregiving - The Final Stage

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

Eventually a loved one, for whom you have provided care, dies. It always comes as a shock to the system, no matter how prepared you thought you were. Death rips our soul, our hearts and our lives.

I dare say it also changes everything for a caregiver. He or she must learn to grieve and accept loss. He must honor memories, plan a funeral, share his loved one’s life with others. And then, a caregiver has to figure out what to do with this huge void!

I had a friend whose mother lived for nearly 20 years in a local nursing home. My friend visited nearly every day and in the course of those visits became very close to other residents. She also learned to work with the staff and could often be found singing or reading to others. When her mom died, she not only missed her -- she missed the relationships at the nursing home! She experienced loss upon loss.

It is important to honor, to grieve, and to share the loss. It’s also important to think of what life after caregiving might be like. Dare you dream? Dare you explore new opportunities? Where do you live? I think this is a very sensitive time for families. Adult children and grandchildren need to be present as never before. For me it was sometimes hard to visit my mom after my dad died. Not because I didn’t want to be with her – but because I didn’t know how to be without him.

As I close this little exhortation about caregiving, may I say that family caregivers are my heroes! I honor you, respect you and encourage you to see that this service you offer your loved one is indeed a ministry. God has placed this opportunity at this time so that you might love as He loves – and WITH his love. Grace, peace and strength are yours because Jesus said, “Lo, I am with you always….”!

For more resources on caregiving go to:
www.caregiving.com (Denise B. identifies the stages of caregiving and gives more advice on what to do) www.nfcacares.org, the National Family Caregivers Association and
www.caregiving.org, the Family Caregiver Alliance
(Photo by lambertwm, shared via Flickr)

Let's Talk About the Weather

Posted by Terry McNichols

We are not complaining! This has been the driest month or two on record in the Pacific Northwest and we have been enjoying it fully. But this article recently in the Seattle Times explained those of us who live here by choice so perfectly, that I thought it was worth a blog link! Here are a couple of quotes from that article:

WEATHER THAT would cancel outdoor events elsewhere in the country often is tolerated here as the price of living in "the Emerald City."

After all, if we waited for sun before we went outside, we might never leave the house.

Every year I think I'm used to it, and then the winter takes forever. People just really appreciate and savor the nice weather when it's here. You have to store up the goodness.

I have often pulled out this quote from Steven Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, (incidentally one of my favorite books) to explain how we survive: "Proactive people carry their weather with them! "

Forgiveness, Part Two

Posted by Terry McNichols

While I’m on the subject of forgiveness, here’s another great resource on forgiveness, written many years ago by a good friend of mine, Linda Hall, M.S. (I have lost contact with Linda, but still use this: Practical Steps in Forgiving -- A Prayer Model)

1. Assign Proper Responsibility.

1. To self – admit your contribution, even if only 25%.
2. To others – explore possible projection of anger toward offender due to unresolved conflict with others (in other words, who else has offended you in this way? Is the intensity of your bitterness magnified by past wounds by someone else?)
3. To offender – call a spade a spade. Don’t make excuses for the person. If it was wrong or hurtful, admit that. There is a saying, “We must convict before we can forgive.”

2. Identify Specific Offenses.

1. Survey the damage (like Nehemiah did of damaged walls of Jerusalem).
2. Make a list. General bad feelings toward someone are almost always the accumulation of a lot of offenses. Blanket forgiveness is not very effective. Must be specific and address each item one by one.

3. Share Your Honest Feelings With God.

1. Allow God into depth of your pain = intimacy with God.
2. More honest relationship with Him (Example: David).
3. Share your feelings out loud (Ps. 61:1-3, Ps. 62:8, Ps. 64:1, Ps 77:1-15, Ps. 102:1-7, Ps. 142:1-7).

4. Identify the Losses (Debts).

1. What did they “rob” you of? (dignity, reputation, sense of value, dreams, purity, wholeness, validation, etc.)
2. What do they “owe” you? (a normal childhood, love, a certain relationship, money, etc.)

5. Grieve the Losses.

1. Helps us get to the depth of our pain and allows the Lord to heal us from the bottom of our wound up.
2. Jesus identifies with our grief (Is. 53:3, 4)
3. Matthew 5:4: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

6. Letting Go, One by One.

1. Forgiveness is a choice, a decision – NOT a feeling. A change in feeling doesn’t usually come until much later.
2. A sample prayer which summarizes the process experienced in steps 1-6:

“Lord, when _______________(person) did ______________(offense)
I felt ___________________(say with full emotion). However, in obedience to You and as an act of my will, I choose to forgive ______________(person) for ___________ (offense) and let go of all accusations, anger and bitterness I have held against ___________(person) for this offense. I release it all to you.

7. Forgive the Debts or Losses One by One.

1. Use similar prayer as above.
2. Sometimes helpful to write the debts down as “IOU’S” and then tear them up when done.

8. Identify Revengeful Fantasies.

1. Romans 12:17-21. Revenge is not our job. God will do it better and without being “burned.”
2. He is not blind or deaf to what happened (Example: Miriam and Aaron who slandered Moses – the Lord HEARD it – Numbers 12:2).

9. Confess Your Bitterness as Sin.

10. Choose to “Forget.”

1. The Lord forgets ours (Is. 43:25).
2. Your will is stronger than your memory. This may sound impossible, but as you choose to “forget” the memory fades along with the painful feelings. Forgetting is a matter of choosing not to keep the matter “alive” – not to nurse or feed it or keep bringing it out to “look at.” It is a laying down, a burying of the wrong. Sometimes it is helpful to picture putting the offenses into a huge treasure chest, taking it out to sea, and dropping it overboard to the bottom of the ocean.

[Some reasons we don’t want to forget are: 1. We want a scapegoat to blame our problems on. 2. Our flesh loves nursing self-pity. 3. Our hurts have become trophies that appear to “comfort” us. 4. We are afraid if we forget, we won’t have a defense for ourselves.]

11. Choose to Bless Them.

1. Do good things for them. I Peter 3:8, 9. For example a gift, card, kind words, attitudes, etc. (Example: Joseph).
2. There is a need to counteract negative attitudes with positive ones. Romans 12:20, 21 – cultural context.
3. Pray for the person. Job 42:10.

12. Bless God.

1. In everything give thanks. (I Thess. 5:16).
2. You know you have come full cycle when you reach this stage.

Please keep in mind the previous process is helpful when praying about past hurts. However, it is not a substitute for healthy conflict resolution, confrontation and reconciliation between persons.
(Photo by cheerfulmonk, shared via Flickr)

Realistic

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

This stage of caregiving is called realistic because this now providing care for a loved one has become the “norm” of life. Usually care has been provided over a prolonged period of time. The caregiver has encountered the health care and social service system on various levels, with various needs, and with varying degrees of intensity. Usually, there have been multiple hospital admissions, rehab stays in nursing homes, visits by home health care professionals, calls to 9-1-1 and more assessments than one cares to count. The fire station near my parents’ home could almost recognize my mom’s voice because the medic unit had had to respond so frequently to my dad’s needs.

This is a tough time because care needs are intense; there are more duties to be done than time in which to do them. Caregiving is a way of life.

Oddly enough, I suggest that this is when caregivers must try to find the hidden joys of life. Beth Witrogen McCloud tells a story of caring for her mother in her book: Caregiving: The Spiritual Journey of Love and Loss. She recounts the day when she was giving her mother a bath. Now, bath time was no easy matter and her mother had become almost violently opposed to such an event. So, Beth used bubble bath to lighten the mood. Bubbles were flying everywhere – including up their noses. Both mom and daughter got the giggles – for just a few moments. But they were moments of joy and laughter and almost normalcy. Taking care of a loved one can have some incredibly funny and joyful moments if one looks for them.

This is also when a caregiver needs to accept some help. It’s time to send out the SOS to family, friends and church members to help!

Jerry Large revisited

Posted by Terry McNichols

And in today's Seattle Times, Jerry Large (see yesterday's post) continues the dialogue regarding placing his mother in a nursing home. Do read his follow up to the post we referenced yesterday!

Caring for aged parents

Posted by Terry McNichols

Leona is traveling this week to attend to the dying of one of her aunts she has posted about recently (here and here). Leona lived next door to this aunt and spent many happy hours in her home. They have been very close for all of Leona's life. I found this column by Jerry Large in the Seattle Times. He has recently faced the need to put his own mother into a nursing home. The story is extremely poignant and I hope that you will read it.

Forgiveness

Posted by Terry McNichols

A good friend of mine recently wrote on forgiveness. Here's a quote from her blog:

Recently, a moment leapt out of nowhere and grabbed me by the throat, reducing me to those irrepressible tears that leave me shaky and sick to my stomach – because my feelings got hurt.

I have been wanting to write about a process I have used for many years when just such a feeling comes over me and "grabs me by the throat." That is such a great description. For some of us it's the throat, for others the sick feeling in the pit of the stomach. Another person might break out in a sweat, or get a migraine. But however a hurt, a slight, a misunderstanding, cruel words, affect us, how we respond is the part that matters. For many years I had a pattern: I would get hurt, draw inward, pout for several days and eventually either "forget about it" (only to have it rear its ugly head at a later, inappropriate time), or I'd try to fight it out with the person in question, usually "winning" as said person would usually give in just to keep the peace. (You know who you are :-) We do all within our power to keep those uncomfortable feelings at bay.

As I became more aware of the feelings that accompanied the hurt, I began to pay attention. This link is to an exercise, called Body Talk, that I learned to use at the outset of the feelings, working through the pain to see if there was something else going on. I have been surprised at how often I can come up with a memory from early childhood or my teen years that have effectively sideswiped my ability to behave in the ways I would choose. Now, instead of doing everything in my power to ignore or get rid of the uncomfortable feeling, I acknowledge its presence, thank it for reminding me to pay attention, and work through the process.

I plan to post next week on some other forgiveness processes, so stay tuned.
(Photo by gurdonark, shared via Flickr)

Entrenched

Posted by Leona Bergstrom
The third stage of caregiving has been called “entrenched.” This is when a person is consistently involved in providing care for a loved one. Involvement is almost daily, if not constant. Usually, I’ve found that this is when a caregiver’s entire schedule is structured around the needs of his/her loved one. I’ve also found that this is when caregivers really begin exhibiting some of their own symptoms of fatigue, stress and burnout.

What does a caregiver need to do during this stage? First of all one must assess the appropriateness of the care environment. I’m seeing this with my own aunt as she has become increasingly weak and unable to navigate in her own apartment safely. My cousin has met with local service providers to develop a plan. While accessing services may cost extra dollars, it is relieving some of the pressure and stress on him! My aunt’s family can save their energy for enjoying visits that are pleasant and non-confrontational.

A second thing an entrenched caregiver needs to do is assess his/her own health and well-being. Too often the family caregiver begins to experience serious health issues – some which become fatal. Emotional and relational health can also suffer, so it’s important to take inventory of how things are going in a marriage, in a family or on the job.

And last, the caregiver needs to acknowledge and begin to process the losses and grieve them appropriately. We can never underestimate the grief and sadness that dwells deep in our hearts as we see our loved one decline in health or mental abilities. A friend of mine just lost her mother to Alzheimer’s disease and expressed her surprise that grief had hit her so hard when she thought had been saying good-bye for so long. A caregiver support group is a great place to share such struggles and emotions.
(Photo by zampano!!!, shared via Flickr)

Use it, or Lose it!

Posted by Leona Bergstrom (this is NOT a rerun)

CREATIVITY: THE MARK OF WISDOM

I’ve spent nearly three decades proclaiming my belief that there is something absolutely wonderful about aging. Deep down in my soul I’m convinced God’s creative work in our lives comes to its most magnificent climax somewhere near the end of the journey. I was reminded of that this week as I meandered through the outdoor galleries of a summer arts festival.

One of the artists had placed himself in front of his easel and canvas smack dab in the middle of the walkway. Beside him was his well-worn wooden box of tightly squeezed partial tubes of acrylic paint, some of still oozing drops of magenta and periwinkle and lemon. On his canvas were streaks of color that were just beginning to depict a cloud covered sky at sunset. It had potential, but no real form.

The facts that the painting was in process and that the artist blocked the passage of the crowd suddenly didn’t matter as I realized that I was looking at a Master. His work was breathtaking. So was his long white beard. He was dubbed the Old Painter of the Pacific Northwest. I don’t know if he had painted for years or if it was a later-in-life hobby, but his work had a depth and maturity that comes from two things: skill and experience. He obviously did not just know how to paint a sunset, he knew how to experience one.

I am coming to understand that wisdom is the synthesis of what we know and what we experience. In our younger years we knew a lot. We were well educated, well read and highly skilled. And then life kept happening and our story filled with experiences--some dreadfully sad and others delightfully joyful. The canvas of our lives filled up with swaths of colors and textures as our lives became God’s masterpiece. We began to find wisdom.

I recently attended a public lecture by Dr. Gene Cohen. He is a psychiatrist and a gerontologist, and among his many positions of public service has been as acting director of the National Institute on Aging. He is best known for his research on the aging brain and his findings about creativity in later life (The Creative Age, 2000). Cohen maintains that most of us have not even begun to utilize our brain’s potential and that that later life is about having the inner comfort and courage to try something new. Research shows that acquiring a new skill actually “lights up both the right and the left brain” (Cohen) and we have a new capacity to evaluate, reevaluate, create and re-create. In other words, we have lots more brain capacity and learning a new skill actually increases the potential of the brain. Creative activity really gets it going!

Charles Schultz said it another way, “Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.”

What a great challenge for Christians in the second half of life! We can learn new things, explore new areas of ministry and be creative! We can develop relationships with people of all ages. We can become wise.

The writers of the Proverbs sought wisdom and concluded that it was only truly achieved through knowing God and experiencing life. “For whoever finds me (wisdom) finds life and receives favor from the Lord.” (Prov. 8:35, NIV)

The list of “Late Bloomers” is long and impressive. In fact, much of the world’s great artwork, music, literature and drama has been created by those age 50+.

What new thing will you learn in this season of life? What masterpieces will you create? How will all that you have learned and all that you have experienced come together in new, creative expressions of wisdom?

PS: I’m taking this SO seriously, I’ve just enrolled in Graduate School! Stay tuned.
(Photo by cobalt123, shared via Flickr)