Rerun Wednesday - Stuff - Books

Posted by Terry McNichols
My mom is trying to get rid of some of her stuff and since her books are among her prized possessions, this is a difficult task. I, too, love books, and have had a major shift in my thinking over the past several years. I used to say that a book wasn't worth reading unless there were things in it I could underline and quote. But I have changed my ways now that I've joined the Paperback Swap. I don't have enough room to keep my own personal library and so was looking for a way to get rid of my beloved books. For awhile, I gathered them and sold them at a local book store, using the in-store credit to buy still more books.

But with the growth of the internet, getting rid of a favorite book doesn't mean it's gone forever. You can always buy or swap it back, if you need it again. I listed many of my personal books on the swapping site, made a wish list of books I'd like to read, and it has been a great way to pass on books I've read, as well as get the books I'd like to read for very little cost. I don't spend money on new books now; I just list desired books on my wish list and wait until they are available. Then I use the points from the books I've swapped to get a new book. The only cost to me is the media rate cost for mailing the books I ship. I now have a pile of books, just waiting for me, where in the past I was always on the search for the next good book.

My husband has resisted this option for some time, but recently I convinced him that he can keep a list of those books he's sure he'll want to read again some day, and if he ever does want them, I'll just order them for him again. We don't underline in our books now; we copy things that we want to remember, so that our books can be sold back. Now if I underline in and keep a book, I know it is a very important book to me and will be saved.

By the way, you can also swap CDs and DVDs!

Making Choices

Posted by Terry McNichols

My father finally turned the corner and has begun to collect seeds from his nasturtiums, poppies and calendula. When my dad starts collecting seeds, we know he's feeling like his old self again. But it has been a long recovery, and there were many times we worried that he might continue his post-surgery decline.

At one point, when it seemed as though my father was making some choices that were keeping him depressed, such as being unwilling to get up, get dressed, take short exercise walks, I reminded him of a statement by Harry Stack Sullivan that I heard many years ago and find very helpful. I post it here in hopes that it might be useful.

It is easier to ACT yourself into a new way of FEELING than to FEEL yourself into a new way of ACTING. Harry Stack Sullivan

In case this needs any further explanation, many people want to wait until they feel like doing something. Often that feeling never comes and it is easy to sink into deeper and deeper depression, waiting for the good feelings to return. In depression, the best way to counteract the negative thoughts and feelings is to begin doing the things that used to make you feel better, even though you don't want to. This often stops the downward spiral of thinking negatively, doing less, feeling worse and can turn things around dramatically. In case you need any ideas about how to start acting, follow this link for some great ideas!
(Photo by hale_popoki, posted via Flickr)

Caregiving, part one

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

Over the past few weeks we have discussed some of our own dilemmas with caring for older parents. We’ve shared some of the pain, the frustration and the fear. I’m reminded that while I have taught many audiences about family caregiving, it is a whole different matter when the issues impact your own loved ones!

Digging for resources and ideas however, prompted me to get out some of the material I have utilized for community education settings. I’ve drawn on the wisdom of those who have walked this journey. Over the next few weeks I will post some of that information and hope that it can encourage and help others (as well as us!).

Here’s a preview:

We are not alone in this caregiving journey. Look at the stats:
• More than 50 million people in the U.S. provide are for a chronically ill, disabled or aged family member of friend during a given year. (U.S. DHHS 2000)
• The typical family caregiver is a 46 year old woman caring for a widowed mother who does not live with her. She is married and employed. Approximately 60% of family caregivers are women. (National Alliance for Caregiving, 2004)
• 17% of family caregivers are providing 40 hours of care a week or more. (National Alliance for Caregiving, 2004)

(For more information on the impact caregiving has on healthcare, the economy, personal stress, and other factors, visit www.nfacares.org)
(Photo by Lance and Erin, shared via Flickr)

Rerun Wednesday - Stuff revisited

Posted by Terry McNichols
(We seem to be focusing once again on getting rid of stuff. Personally, I'm purging my things, once again, so will be rerunning our posts on this subject. See Leona's post about an upcoming workshop, as well!)

Speaking of brains, Wikipedia states that "Brain imaging studies (PET) have shown that the cerebral glucose metabolism patterns seen in OCD hoarders were distinct from the patterns in non-hoarding OCD. The most notable difference in these patterns was the decreased activity of the dorsal anterior cingulated gyrus, a part of the brain that is responsible for focus, attention, and decision making."

Recently in Seattle a very sad story evolved about an 89-year-old man who set fire to his condemned apartment building, supposedly because he was due to be physically evicted and could not deal with the things he had collected. He had a couple of cars filled to overflowing and storage units throughout the city, and could no longer access most areas of his apartment unit. He died in the blaze.

I realize that most of us are not OCD hoarders, but some of us do carry some of the distinct characteristics. I must go through my clothing and discard whatever hasn't been worn in a year, but every time I try to start the process, I get hung up on the decision-making process, instead thinking about how I will surely wear the item at a later date, a lower weight, or some day in the future when I will surely have need of business attire or find lots of parties to attend. It is painful to give up on those clothes that have served me well in the past. It's even more difficult to give up on the ones that were purchased and never worn, or worn once but proved uncomfortable or just didn't "feel right."

Ah, focus, attention, and decision making -- all things I seem to lack at this stage of my life.

Frank Lloyd Wright said that "Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions." I need to start sweeping, once again.
(Photo by elgin.jessica, shared via Flickr)

Behavior Modification

Posted by Terry McNichols

In talking to my father about his current state of mind, I have returned to my counseling roots and started to talk about behavior modification. My father was having a difficult time with his memory of some of the things that occurred post surgery and I was remembering some of the behavior modification techniques that I have taught in the past. One such technique is to put a rubber band around your wrist and snap yourself whenever you have a thought you would rather not have. What follows is a list of ten ways to combat anxiety that I am reprinting from a prior list at an anxiety website on ten ways to cope with anxiety, that I found in the past.

1. Remember that although your feelings and symptoms are frightening, they are neither dangerous nor harmful.
2. Understand that what you're experiencing is merely an exaggeration of your normal reactions to stress.
3. Don't fight your feelings or try to wish them away. The more willing you are to face them, the less intense they will become.
4. Don't add to your panic by thinking about what might happen. If you find yourself wondering, "What if?" tell yourself, "So what!"
5. Stay in the present. Notice what is happening to you rather than concern yourself with how much worse it might get.
6. Label your fear level from zero to 10 and watch it go up and down. Notice that it doesn't stay at a very high level for more than a few seconds.
7. When you find yourself thinking about fear, focus on and perform some simple, manageable task.
8. Notice that when you stop thinking frightening thoughts, your anxiety fades.
9. When fear comes, accept it—don't fight it. Wait and give it time to pass.
10.Be proud of the progress you've made. Think about how good you will feel when the anxiety has passed and you are in total control and at peace.
(Photo by xandroid, shared via Flickr)

SIMPLICITY: Overcoming the tyranny of “stuff”

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

In line with our emphasis on downsizing and getting rid of stuff, here is a workshop that is open to the public and is a great way to get started!

How often do you hear yourselves saying, “We’ve got to get RID of some of this stuff!”? It’s a phrase often repeated throughout the homes, apartments, closets and garages of all of us who are age 50+! We’ve accumulated and saved through the years and now something has to be done.

You are invited to join us on Sunday, April 26 from 4-6 pm at Northshore Baptist Church, 10301 NE 145th St., Bothell, Room 141 for a 2nd 1/2 Ministries educational session entitled SIMPLICITY: Overcoming the Tyranny of “STUFF.” Elisa Adams Hawkinson, a professional organizer and founder and owner of HOW 2, will be the presenter. She will talk about the process of getting organized, how to tackle the job, creative options for storage, and most importantly, the joys of generosity and simplicity.

So whether you are thinking about down-sizing, right-sizing, moving, or simply spring-cleaning, this opportunity is for you.

Plus, we’ll enjoy some fun and fellowship together around a light dinner! You won’t want to miss it.(Photo by ifindkarma, shared via Flickr)

Never too old to try!

Posted by Terry and Leona

If you haven't seen this YouTube video yet, check it out. Just goes to show that you're never too old!

Rerun Wednesday - Stuff, Part One

Posted by Terry McNichols

(I posted this in July of 2008 and reran in November. I have to admit I have been doing more acquiring than purging of stuff in the interim. So I post it yet again in our reruns. I need a new resolve!)

“A home is like a reservoir equipped with a check valve. The valve permits influx but prevents outflow. Acquisition goes on day and night, smoothly, subtly, imperceptibly. I have no sharp taste for acquiring things, but it’s not necessary to desire them. Goods and chattel seek a man out. They find him even though his guard is up.” E. B. White, "Essays."

E. B. White is much better known for Charlotte's Web and Stuart Little. But his essays are a delight and he starts our discussion of stuff so perfectly. I came across this quote in the middle of my last move and identified completely. The essay is hilarious, beginning like this:

"For some weeks now I have been engaged in dispersing the contents of this apartment, trying to persuade hundreds of inanimate objects to scatter and leave me alone. It is not a simple matter. I am impressed by the reluctance of one’s worldly goods to go out again into the world."

I brag about the fact that there is a box waiting to be filled and transported to Goodwill in my house at all times. I do seriously make a trip to Goodwill almost weekly, usually with a small box of belongings, but still we have too much stuff. I believe this is one of the big challenges of aging: How do we part with our stuff? And when do we part with our stuff? And who will have to do the work of parting with our stuff if we don't keep working at it?

I made a pact with myself several years ago to seriously begin to get rid of stuff. I had just stopped in at an estate sale, hoping to nab some good stuff, and was aghast to find an elderly woman's entire life laid out for the public to peruse. Our stuff loses it's value and has the possibility of this type of an end. When I came across a table displaying this woman's bras, I made a pact to begin getting rid of the things my children won't be needing or wanting. I can't promise that I've done a great job of fulfilling that pact, but I am working on it. Since my husband and I keep moving to smaller places, we have had to let things go, but we have not yet stopped accumulating, so the task remains.

Stay tuned for many parts to this thread on "stuff."
(Photo by gamibot, shared via Flickr)

Choose life

Posted by Terry McNichols

My pastor yesterday used a story in his sermon that I had heard years ago and forgotten about. It is a story that can be applied to our fears of letting go, our fears of change, or the option to choose life. But Henri Nouwen, the author of the story, was talking about a new way to look at death -- a way that is most comforting to me. We do not know the whole story. But Christ is Risen! He is Risen indeed! I hope your Easter was joyful in that knowledge! What follows is the story of a set of twins, conversing in the womb:

The sister said to the brother "I believe there is life after birth."

Her brother protested vehemently, "No, no. This is all there is. This is a dark and cosy place, and we have nothing else to do but to cling to the cord that feeds us."

The sister insisted, "there must be something more than this dark place. There must be something else, a place with light where there is freedom to move."

Still she could not convince her twin brother.

After some silence, the sister said hesitantly, "I have something else to say, and I’m afraid you won’t believe that, either, but I think there is a mother."

Her brother became furious. "A mother!" he shouted. "What are you talking about? I have never seen a mother, and neither have you. Who put that idea in your head? As I told you, this place is all we have. Why do you always want more? This is not such a bad place, after all. We have all we need, so let’s be content."

The sister was quite overwhelmed by her brother’s response and for a while didn’t say anything more. But she couldn’t let go of her thoughts, and since she had only her twin brother to speak to, she finally said, "Don’t you feel these squeezes once in awhile? They’re quite unpleasant and quite painful."

"Yes," he answered. "What’s special about that?"

"Well," the sister said, "I think that these squeezes are there to get us ready for another place, much more beautiful than this, where we will see our mother face-to-face. Don’t you think that’s exciting?"

Our Greatest Gift, Henri Nouwen, Harper, 1994, pages 19-20

It’s Friday

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

They call it Good Friday. It’s hard to see the good today.

A friend is dying of cancer.
Another friend has miscarried – again.
Moldova is in political upheaval and violence.
There are old people are living in their cars in Seattle.
A sense of doom hovers because of global economic crisis.
Everywhere I turn there is sadness and loss.
It doesn’t feel very “good.”

Several years ago I heard Dr. Tony Campolo preach. He shared the lines of an African-American preacher’s sermon, “It’s Friday, but Sunday’s a comin’!” It helped put it all in perspective for me. The promise of Resurrection Sunday is victory.

Here is an excerpt:

It's Friday, But Sunday's a Comin'!

It’s Friday, but Sunday’s a comin’.

It was Friday, and my Jesus is dead on a tree.
But that’s Friday, and Sunday’s a comin’.

Friday, Mary’s crying her eyes out, the disciples are running in every direction like sheep without a shepherd. But that’s Friday, and Sunday’s a comin’.

Friday, some are looking at the world and saying, “As things have been, so they shall be. You can’t change nothing in this world! You can’t change nothing in this world!”
But they didn’t know that it was only Friday, and Sunday’s a comin’.

Friday, them forces that oppress the poor and keep people down, them forces that destroy people, the forces in control now, them forces that are gonna rule. They don’t know it’s only Friday, but Sunday’s a comin’.

Friday, people are saying, “Darkness is gonna rule the world, sadness is gonna be everywhere.”
But they don’t know it’s only Friday, but Sunday’s a comin’.

Even though this world is rotten, as it is right now, we know it’s only Friday.
But Sunday’s a comin’.

Yes, it is Friday. And it is Good. There is hope because Sunday is a comin’!

Rerun Wednesday - Brain growth

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

Periodically we have written about our frustration with our memories. There are times that I wonder if my brain is even functioning. But, I recently read that at midlife (or “second adulthood” as Gail Sheehy calls it) our brain actually grows! Get this:

Even our brains are maturing in ways that promote this transition. Recent research shows for the first time that we and adolescents—and no other age group – experience new brain growth. It takes place in the medial temporal lobe, the area identified with emotional learning. The actual new growth is in myelin, the fatty coating to nerve fibers that insulates and speeds up connections between nerve cells. This augmented brain activity plays a crucial role in helping us synthesize what experience teaches, and it enhances our ability to make considered judgment calls. The same process that accounts for the transformation of impulsive and irresponsible teenagers into thoughtful adults comes back for an encore at midlife, just in time to make us even more thoughtful—dare I say, wise?*

So, if I appear to be forgetting something, I’m actually synthesizing. Just give me some time….

*(Quoted from Inventing the Rest of Our Lives, pg. 27, by Suzanne Braun Levine, based on research by Dr. Francine Benes of Harvard Medical School.)
(Photo by Rob Gale, shared via Flickr)

The patient

Posted by Terry McNichols

My father successfully made it through his aneurysm stent graph repair. He has not, however, followed the path that the YouTube videos of similar operations predict. "The patient will eat lunch, go home, and be up and about by the next day," or some such wording. Unfortunately, my 86-year-old father has not only not gotten up, but has not been eating, is depressed, and has taken a fall. Fortunately, he wasn't hurt in the fall, and was willing to borrow a neighbor's walker and begin taking walks around his condo area. That resolve lasted for one lap, and except for one other short outing, I don't think he's been out of his chair/bed for more than a few minutes.

The line between nagging and encouraging is very fine. I am very discouraged when I call daily and he still hasn't gotten up, still isn't eating, and is sleeping most of the day. It makes sense that his weak legs won't hold him, after 2 or 3 weeks of disuse. I've even resorted to trying to guilt him into realizing how much money the insurance company was willing to pay to get him a few more months or years of quality life. We are unsure whether there is something else going on or whether he is being stubborn, refusing to take the steps that would help him to feel better, choosing instead to sink further into inactivity and despair.

So there you have it. I don't have much energy for blogging at this point, so must blog about the issue most closely on my heart.

a no post post

Leona is uninspired this week. And I'm sick with a cold I brought back from my parents' house in Arizona. As I contemplated what to fill today's space with, all I could think about was this old poem that kids used to write to autograph the pages of yearbooks, and true to it's wonder, I found the correct words on the internet:

Can't think, brain numb
Inspiration won't come
Can't write, bad pen
Best wishes.
Amen

Until next week, then!

Rerun Wednesday - the homeless

Posted by Leona Bergstrom

I was in a hurry trying to get out of Walgreens when I was approached by a young, cleanly dressed, pleasant young man. He asked me if I could help him out. He said he was homeless, had no job, and really needed something to eat.

This is not an unusual plea during these days of economic disaster. However, I am usually hesitant to respond to panhandlers in parking lots. “But,” I thought to myself, “this is a tough time for people, this guy is hungry, I want to be full of mercy and compassion. I have $1.32 change right on top of my purse left from my recent purchase. What would it hurt to give that to this young man who seems to need a meal?”

That’s when I heard something I haven’t heard before. Not, “Ma’am could you spare some change or a dollar? “ No, this guy asked me for a $5 or $10 bill! Wow. Inflation hits everyone, I guess.

I can’t believe what I did next. I asked him to wait and I went to my car, closed the door, dug deeper in my purse and got a FIVE dollar bill and gave it to him! I guess “the big ask” works!

What did I learn?

* I should probably listen to my instincts when I feel that this is not someone I should give money to. He immediately went over, gave some other guy the money and got a cigarette in exchange. I guess it was a cigarette. He smoked it anyway.
* It doesn’t do much good to make a guy PROMISE that he’ll go buy food. He had different plans for the money.
* I shouldn’t be afraid to say no, but I should listen to my heart’s cry to help others and give the money to organizations that can really provide the right assistance to those in need.
* I’m only responsible for my actions (full of mercy and kindness...) not his.

And finally, a little change isn’t going to buy a meal for a hungry person anymore. I’m going to need to dig deeper in order to help others during these times.